Whats Up Y'all!!?
For those of you who don’t know, my name is Paul and for nearly 4 years I've been iamApropos online. To recap a little, in 2007 I became permanently disabled from an aneurysm leaving me with multiple disabilities that changed my life. For years I had to learn to cope with my new limitations and tried to find something I could do to help people and feel productive. Nearly 4 years ago I started helping people build gaming computers by utilizing skype as I walked people through building their first computers all while broadcasting it onto twitch and uploading it onto youtube. I quickly learned that I enjoyed broadcasting game play and entertaining people more than helping people build computers. I had a vision of bringing others together who suffer from social anxiety, depression, or any disabilities that may limit the ability to have a social life. Gaming helped me get through the most difficult times I've had in my life and helped me cope with my disability and I wanted to help others the same way by bringing them together in a community of gamers.
Over the last year and a half my health has been degrading permanently as I knew it was going to and its caused me to struggle with my priorities as iamApropos and leader of the AteamGC as well as being a husband, son, brother and nephew.
With a sad heart and much deliberation I announce I'm officially retiring as iamApropos.
Not everyone is going to understand why and some won't care but if you'll allow me to explain. I've been struggling for over a year now with my health and living situation as well as depression. in the last 6 months my health, as most of you know, has degraded changing my living dynamic, changing what I can and can't do. The battle I've been fighting with is whether or not I can continue as iamApropos. My love for this community and passion for bringing people together battles with my new inability to have the mental, emotional, and physical strength to do live broadcasts or stress about administering the community. The problem I have is complex as it involves family, health and more. Because of the degrading health I'm having less and less ability to focus or have the strength needed to do much of daily life let alone anything else.
I've had to sit down and seriously contemplate my situation. Because of my new limitations, if I do something that takes my energy, strength or focus and depletes it, I'm then unable to do anything else. So because of this I've had to seriously look at what I should prioritize with the limited strength and energy I have. If I keep stressing about being iamApropos, broadcasting, administering the community I then have to sacrifice my time and responsibilities as a husband, nephew, brother and son. This has me devastated...
Do I continue doing iamApropos and the AteamGC and have no energy, strength or focus for my family? Or do I use my new limited strength, energy and focus on supporting my wife and family? I do consider a lot of you my online family but after weighing all my options the latter of using my energy to support my wife and family seems to be the only reasonable and responsible option I currently have and the only option that makes sense to helping me be truly happy instead of feeling like I'm neglecting my wife and family.
If I keep stressing over things I can no longer do I end up creating a situation I cant fix which spirals me into deep depression as I feel obligated to broadcast and lead the AteamGC. This stress further adds to depleting my limited energy, focus and strength which prevents me from being able to do the things I need to do for my wife and family which I've been neglecting for years now.
I absolutely love the adventure I've had over the last three and a half years. You all have helped make it amazing over this time and the friends I've made being iamApropos are priceless to me. But my smiles, laughs and happy appearance on the outside have been lies to try and force myself to be happy while I suffer from massive depression and force myself to struggle through trying to continue doing this feeling like I'm neglecting my wife and family focusing on my own selfish desires to be an online entertainer and community leader.
I know some will feel like I'm abandoning them or taking advantage of something or other and I cant apologize enough if I've caused anyone to feel this way. Truly you may never understand how much you all mean to me and how much you've impacted my life. I can honestly say I wouldn't have been able to survive the last three and a half years if it wasn't for each and everyone of you, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you've done for me and for this community.
I've spent the last month dreadfully miserable contemplating suicide on multiple occasions. I've had at least 6 emotional break downs completely losing my ability to stay positive and supportive to my family. I've neglected family responsibilities trying to force myself to do things I no longer can do because I didn't want to let go of iamApropos and the AteamGC. But reasonably and responsibly for my family, my wife, and for my own peace of mind I need to make a drastic change and re evaluate what I'm doing and what will bring me true joy. Tried telling myself "just hold on and stop stressing about broadcasting or administrating the community until you feel better." But sadly I cant, and the more I cant the more it stresses me out and that causes my depression to worsen which sends me down a dark hole that causes me to spend even more time away. More time away from not just the community but my wife and family near by.
I've turned off my gamewisp subscriptions as I did my patreon. I will be leaving the community in the hands of the current admin group, no one person is going to be left in charge and I encourage you to work together with the administrators. They'll be starting a community gamewisp to help cover community expenses.
I'm truly sorry that I've let this go on for so long giving unfounded hope that I may be able to keep doing iamApropos however I hoped, maybe blindly, and wished I didn't have to make this decision. I've been holding on for so long trying to excuse myself and by doing so I feel I've hurt some of you and I truly hope deep down you understand at least a little of what I'm going through and why I've felt this is the only decision I can come up with in order to find happiness in the miserable state I'm in. For now I can no longer torture myself by stressing over all the responsibilities that come with being iamApropos and leading the community while seeing myself neglect my wife and my family.
***The community members still waiting on their plushie abombs, and still want them, can expect them to be shipped by the end of August as they are finished.***
Again I thank all of you for everything you've done and for all the support you've shown me over the years and I'm sorry for any problems I've caused by this decision. I wish nothing but the best for all of you and hope you find peace, happiness, and joy in what ever you do.
With my heart heavy and this being my last post as iamApropos I'll leave you with a final -
Now that's what's up!!! ~ Paul